And thank you Lord for your unfailing love. Thank you that you trust us with this trial. I go back to one of those early lessons as a new believer that I prayed that you refine me just as gold and silver a re refined. This is a time of refining, of purging the dross from my life. Thank you that you want to see my life refined and purified.
May you have your way in my life. I just want to thank you for your great and merciful love.

As you know we have been on the hunt for work – a full time job- for 23 months for the hubby, and 17 months for myself. I think we are becoming insulated from the frustration of a work environment that does not want 50 somethings who have experience and education… we are no longer pretty, and perceived to be wanting the moon in tow with the big salary.

Well, anyhow, along with unemployment comes creatively paying bills. We have tapped the savings out long ago, and then the 401Ks, and now we have enough for one more mortgage payment then who knows where it will come from. Unless the employment situation turns around we are not sure where this money is going to come from – and everything in me wants to be scared and totally freak out like a small child who has lost any senses of security. But then that still small voice of God reminds me I am his, I am bought with the blood of the lamb, and i am loved, cherished, and he will not let his children beg for bread. Aaaah, the voice of God breaks through that crazy welling up sense of panic.

So I ask myself “Do you really believe that your life is in God’s hands?” “Is he really going to come through and open a door of employment for one of us?” “How big is God- am i out of his grasp?” My mind has been running at hyper speed, toggling between the definitive “YES! YES God loves me and has me in his firm grasp – and it even says in Isaiah that he has my name written on his hand. Not one sparrow falls to the ground without the father knowing this, and how much more important am i.” and “Look where you are now – everything about your life is upside down… look deeply at your life- how good can this be that you cannot find a job? why did you do grad school? that really helped, didn;t it?”

No, I am not hearing voices. I think this is just the spiritual war for my mind. I know that I must constantly lay it all down.. surrender my life, my mind, my circumstances and my very being to Jesus and leave it with him.

“So tonight I come to you Jesus, giving you my thoughts, my emotions, my sight, and my very life. You are the all knowing, always present, loving one, the savior, my redeemer, my king. I honor you and yield this life to you again. Like prisoners of war I march my thoughts to you and hand them over too. I know that apart from you I am nothing and can do nothing. I ask you to guard my thoughts, keep my gaze on you, and show me what you want of my life. We have seen you move in miraculous ways and the enemy try to swoop in to steal the blessings. I hide behind your shield, your armer, and want to retreat into you as my high tower. As this battle continues give me your wisdom and your strength to know how to proceed. I do ask Lord if you would open a door for a job- for income to pay our bills. Show us where to look, and make that way for us please. I yearn for the day when you call us home, and we can fall before your mercy, yielded fully from this sin scarred body, and this sin scarred world. Amen

Why was i surprised by this comment? what was it about comfort that drew the writer of that blog post to make this statement? In the back of my mind i have heard this before. Friends who went off to the mission field of the third world have easily come back changed, understanding that the church of the united states is soft, at ease, much like a former athlete who discovered the relaxation of breaking from the training schedule. I have heard natives of other nations speak of how the struggle, the pain, pushing through the difficulty builds the character, and develops a strong faith muscle. I confess until i lost my job i thought i had a pretty strong faith muscle, but realize now that was not the case.

So here are the comments he made about discomfort. This is what stirred my thoughts:

Comfort is overrated. It doesn’t lead to happiness. It makes us lazy—and forgetful. It often leads to self-absorption, boredom, and discontent.
Discomfort is a catalyst for growth. It makes us yearn for something more. It forces us to change, stretch, and adapt.
Discomfort is a sign we’re making progress. You’ve heard the expression, “no pain, no gain.” It’s true! When you push yourself to grow, you will experience discomfort.

These words spoke deeply to me. This is what i want in 2012 – growth, profound catalytic growth.

Lord, through this past year you have been the strength, the comfort, the one pulling us to new and unfamiliare places. I must confess that when i loose sight of your good hand it seems that I loose sight of the work you are doing in my life, my soul, my heart. I also confess that i like ease, comfort, minimal stress and i realize I have not grown during times of ease. Thank you Lord for seasons of growth, of trial, of challenge because it is in those times that we learn your true love, power, and wisdom. We learn your character in deeper and more secure ways. I thank you for the season of lack of comfort, and i yield this simple life to you. Make me into what you want me to be. Amen”

I included a photo of the painting known as The Kiss by Gustav Klimt for two reasons.
1. I have an inexpensive copy of this painting hanging in my bathroom. His style speaks deeply to me.
2. this painting reminds me of Boaz and Ruth.

Boaz has wrapped Ruth in his coat in many senses of the word. He has chosen to cover her and protect her. His offering is gracious, honorable, and while we fail to practice the kindsman redeemer concept in our society, he wanted to do the right thing. His love and compassion were coupled with a sensitive correctness… everything should be above reproach.

In a great sense each of us are like Ruth – needing to be redeemed from this life of sin and challenge. We each carry scars of pain that life has given us- whether widowhood, or physical illness, childlessness, unexpected financial reversal. Being honest I must tell you that I cry when I read these passages because of that deep compassion Boaz exhibited. And I know that he is a type of Christ. He is a human example of the divine character of our great God who would not leave us forever in this sin scarred world, but made a way of redeeming us through the death of his son Jesus.

and why is god silent?

God, i know that you don;t change, and I know that you stand watching over us, loving us, wooing us, drawing us with cords of love, but why do you allow us to go through such deep valleys>?

I am humbled by life, and i know that I am less than nothing. When I apply for work i get rejections. Oh, they say they love me, but they hire the other person. God, i know you change not. I need you so very desperately. I need to know that you have a plan for my life and this plan is one of hope and good. This valley is hard, i am beaten up, our money is dried up, and my hope is fading. I want to believe but I desperately need you… i desperately need your intervention in our lives.

and i need you to break through the welfare mentality that is besetting our family. I don;t want charity – i want to work. I don;t want special deals for the poor. I want to earn a living and bless others. I am crying to you lord, and my heart is heavy, my soul faints. Please fill our lives with new opportunity. Please change our hearts to see you. My hands are out, begging you as a ragged begger… you a re the wise and holy god that created everything. Come and sooth my fearful childlike soul. The song says you have made a way where there was no way and we are saved. Amen, amen, amen.

Thank you lord forsalvation ,for calling me to your side, for washing me of my sins, and for lifting me from this deep mire of sin. My heart aches for this time we are in, for the rejection we both feel, and we need you to rescue us from rejection. Please lord, we need a miracle. We need you.

humbled i must say yes, but i am afraid Lord. I am afraid of being on this journey outside my comfort zone.

“Fear me, not life” “Fear the one who can take your life.”

OK, i understand. But will you please hold me until i stop shaking inside. will you give me your wisdom for the future? Will you guide us with your strength and wisdom? Will you open a door that we can earn an income to pay our bills?

“Trust me, my child” “Trust that I have a plan for you, that I want to give you a future and hope. Trust me.”

I will, but i need your strength to indeed live up to this, and trust you with my whole heart. I am still scared. This year has given us a lot of ugly reminders that unredeemed humanity is vicious, sadistic, and uncaring. I wrestle with forgiveness… and then there are times when I know I have declared forgiveness for these people. Help me not be so double minded. For I want freedom from those who have hurt us. I want release to love youand to love people and to share the hope you have given me.

“Yes, trust me though. Let go of your understanding and trust that I am doing a work that you may not see right now. Wait for me, wait for my good hand, and trust me please. For I love you with an everlasting love. I have bought you with the blood of my son. You are mine,and nothing can seperate you from me. Trust me. REstin me.”

and all i can say is “Lord help me learn to rest in you.” amen.

And here I am with an odd mix of thoughts rolling around in my head… satan speaking into my head, and the sound of a book on tape of elizabeth elliot’s book “no graven image” discussing her missionary journey in equador. How i admire that woman, and the courage to follow the lord in spite of seemingly uncertain times – a husband killed in the field, a young child at her knee, and her willingness to continue to go forth to reach the very people that killed her first husband, Jim Elliott in the jungles of Equador. Her faith in the Lord was a rare, obedient, deep faith. It has always attracted me, but has come with a mixture of wanting what she has and fearing what that might mean.

But why do i fear? Is it this temporal world I fear? No, i think i have learned it is a character flaw in my heart – i am a control freak! I have learned this through the journey of this past year. And I have learned how little i have control of. Truthfully everything is in the hands of the lord to suite his purposes. And quietly the second part of that flaw is my shallowness to trust my creator. It all sounds so easy when you read of a missionary like Elizabeth Elliott – but i know it is not easy… it is impossible.

Under the crucible of joblessness, recent bankrupcy, depleting reserves of money, and mounting bills comingled with large doses of a sense of purposelessness and loss of identity we have both been quite the pair of debby downers. but somehow all of the promises of God are still true and sure. Somehow there really is hope and purpose for us. We are loved. My flesh wants to know “How long, o Lord” – How long will you keep doors shut? What do you ask of us? What do you want from me today? for the resto f my days? Please open the door somewhere so that we can at least pay our bills… electric, gas, water, house payment, gas for the car. and perhaps food!

If you subscribe to the idea that nothing is without purpose as I do, the sound of this book reading to me in the middle of the dark night somehow awakened a hope, a sense of the way god chooses to use his children.

I have thought of this past year as boot camp, of a time of building my faith muscles, of seeking god for my every thing, including an opening to return to functional employment and for that for my hubby.
A family that looses one income is a challenge, but for both of us to loose our jobs, leaving me with only a small part time job was something that gave me anxiety for a long time.

I have used the metaphor of looking at rushing river, and before i knew what happened i was in the river, raging water propelling me down river, and to where i know not. Fight the water? not possible. Avoid the rocks? not always possible. Crash over the falls – inevitable. Survive? – not in my hands.

In my head I hear a multitude of scripture verses, and the chorus written by Owl City’s Adam R Young:

I can finally see
that you are right here beside me
I am not my own
For I have been made new
Please don;t let me go
For I desperately need you.

Ok, this post is all over the board…. but I did sit down to talk about the wrestling match for my thoughts. And I wanted you to know that I believe a part of the refining process involves becoming disciplined to hear only the voice of God…. and to take all other thought to the lord much like an army takes prisoners of war captive to their commander.

So Satan, I want to remind you that I have been bought with the blood of Jesus, and he is my Savior, Redeemer, and my friend. In this season of testing Jesus is my provider, and my sustinence. In the name of Jesus I ask that you leave me alone, and you flee from my family and my house. Thank you Jesus for your sustaining, keeping, protecting grace and mercy. Amen

and then i ask what have i done to be in this place. am i unpresentable to society? am i scarred, marred, damaged goods? or am i just too old?

I mustered the courage to call an employment agency yesterday and by the end of the conversation wondered why i was still breathing air. She, the smug guardian of employmennt, harshly judged my every word. Who is she and how did she get to this place of power? Why did i let her go like that?

so the day today has been filed with questions of god, and of myself. Should i loose 30 lbs, pray harder, turn over more stones? Why isnt the art business doing better, and why the hell is everyone so pessimistic? Love those face book posts that say “run, get out – it is a difficult road to travel” well, hells bells, having no income and noone willing to hire you is no better.

so why did i do graduate school? and why is it that when it is my turn in life i get shit on, and turned to the curb? And you can read all the self help things you want – 100 top things you should do, 10 things you should never do, how to get the job every time, how to sabotage yourself…. the chatter grows in intensity – and all i want is a damn job… i want to pay my bills. i want to contribute to society. AND I WANT THAT FOR MY HUSBAND ALSO…

SO I AM GROWING TIRED, WORN DOWN BY THE TEST, YIELDED TO YOU LORD, BUT YOU SEEM SILENT, AND DOORS SLAM SHUT. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME>? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO> I AM AT YOUR MERCY, for i know you control everything, and you are the one who ultimately makes jobs appear, gives us direction and purpose. I want your will. I want the shame of not knowing how we will pay the mortgage to stop. please god, release this worker to a job earning income. release me to glorify you.

So i woke up today, and began again to make calls and seek employment. On direction from a friend i called an employment agency I had dealt with before… my lovely contact was on vacation and instead of a warm reception and a voice welcoming the business i encountered a harsh and challenging woman on the other end who made me feel like a failure and misfit. How have we evolved in society to the point that when someone comes to you for help they are beaten down further. It took me to a very dark place where i sat wheeping like a baby wondering will i ever find my place in the work force again. Wheeping because i am willing to work, eager to work, need the income, and want to contribute to society. But it is these guardians of employment that remind me I dont want to deal with them. Anger and frustration have given way to helpless prayer for God to rescue me… no – let me correct that – helpless prayer of despiration for direction, wisdom to know how to proceed and the faith to follow the Lord’s direction. Will this ever resolve?

I am no super christian, but I am a believer, and I do submit my whole life to the Lord…. this is important for you to hear because what I want to say may sound like I have doubt.

I think I have a healthy sense of life… the uncertainty of life is real. We may be riding high today only to be struggling tomorrow. In my work world I have always enjoyed what I do, even the most mundane chores… and I have always appreciated the people. But the work environment has become so tainted, so poisoned by sin and greed. And it seems that it is getting worse and worse…

I had entered 2011 asking God to break the bands of struggle, and give me a job, a real career, a real income. And to free me from a very tenuous status of my employment that seems to disable my ability to move forward. Listed as part time, but working full time hours, no benefits, no health insurance, no sick time, or vacation time… discounted labor force…. hmm.

But it is not really this that grips me… but one symptom is the corporate culture that hires high priced consultants that make 6 figure salaries, and fly them home across the country each weekend. And the company puts them up at the fanciest hotels, with a food budget, all on the company. And these guys come and go, and when they go they leave a wake of layoffs. Layoffs that had to happen to pay for the high priced consultant’s budgets. And those consultants results were not satisfactory so bring in another round, pay them more than the last guys, lay off another couple dozen people, and continue the process.

So what happened to the workforce that was loyal, hard working, and faithful, lived in the geographic area, and payed taxes here, were invested in the best interest of the community, their schools, their government, their institutions? It is hard to be loyal to this town when you fly cross country to your mc-mansion and mc-kids who probably go to a mc-private mc-school or become members of mc-private country clubs.

ok, cynicism doesn’t become me. But this trend of gutting the work force in favor of business mercenaries who kill and destroy all i n the name of reclaiming their MBAs and maintaining their lifestyle fly’s in the face of everything that has been right and good about America.

We have lost something deep in our fabric. We have lost a sense of the value of people. We have lost the sense of the value of community, and of employing locally, or of graciously helping people rather than kicking them to the curb. And we have lost the willingness that business is not paper perfect – there will be times when you have to understand and encourage that person with some sudden devistating health concern, or the person who is a bit distracted because their home life is in upheavel. We used to understand. We used to make those exceptions and try to help those who needed it back to a life of productivity…. THese days you can;t let them see any emotion or anything they would deem weakness. You just can;t be human. And these days you can;t get older. God help you if you are over 50 in the work place now… that will be short lived.

Yes, ask how many of the unemployed are over 50 years old… and you might be shocked. Ask why – is it because of age alone, or did some MBA crunch the numbers and decide that the older you get the more likely you are to utilize benefits, or draw on health care? Is it a simple cost containment effort under foot here? Or have we severed more of the human sensitivity to life and preferred the “what works on paper must work in life – no emotion, no room for human thought” school of business?

If you are reading this, and have some insight I would love feedback. I would love to understand how this world is changing right before my eyes, and that change is not for the good. I would love to understand how we have turned our backs on the hard working, resourceful, and compassionate and opted instead to hire the insecure, jealous, vindictive and emotion less managers that are keeping shop.

And the next question is this…. is there any hope of recovering from this slide? Can America take back the dignity and wisdom to stop letting a few financial hoars from destroying the life of the middle class?

Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils; Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron. – 1 Timothy 4:1-2

So am i surprised this world is changing? No, a thousand times no. But would I like to have not seen the slide in my lifetime – absolutely.
I think what grieves me is that so many of these people are turning countless lives into states of chaos, upheaval and change. And in the midst of this the care and compassion for one another as humans has come to a severed end, and the greed of money and power has won out only to the determent of our society.