Thorns among the Barbs

Thoughts on my journey to heaven

Anger – where is it coming from?

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I have to confess that i have not really wanted to sort through my soul to find the source of the anger that bubbles up in me. But in order to get better and move on I need to make the determined effort to search, clean house, and lay everything out for God to sort through.

So where is my anger coming from?

I am praying through this, but one of the first places that prompts anger is when I am misunderstood, underestimated, or overlooked. I want to be valid, credible and heard by others. But there are times when this is not the case. Life is real, and we are not always accepted or our words/thoughts are not valued. Accept what I can, acknowlege what is beyond my power and move through this – that is what I am striving to do. But accepting this seeming rejection is not easy.

Another source is my deep desire to have my way. My husband calls it “only child syndrome” but I think it is just deep seated selfishness. I want what I want, and I want it now. When it is not like that my anger bubbles up.

Injustice – or what seens to be imbalanced issues with how people and situations are handled is yet another source of great anger.

But at the heart of my anger is a kernel of truth that just builds explosive anger in me…. i am not in control. I am not in control of anything – my health, my life, my job, my education, my family…. nothing is really in my control.

So why so angry about lack of control? It is tough to say this but I am a control freak – I want every little thing in order, in my control, carefully carried out with my watchful care, and no exceptions. I don;t want angry people yelling at me, and I don;t want to feel sick, or frustrated, or spent or worthless, or helpless. But the truth of life is we are not in control – of anything. We may think this is true, but in its time life will hand a different story to us. Someone we love will die, we will loose that job, or a friend will betray us. And life spins out of our grasp… out of our control. And until I acknowlege my despirate need for jesus to work through my soul and guide me through these turbulant moments the anger will rage.

Jesus, you know me deep inside and you know how you created me. You designed me for life, and hope and godliness, not anger and rage. You know how helpless we are. You understand our very core and know what you want to achieve in our souls. Work in me to turn my anger to praise, and my helplessness to hopefulness in you. Be the one who orders my life, my steps, my breath. I hold my hands out to you empty- I have nothing to give you but me. Thank you that I can give my anger to you and you understand my laments. you know me in my darkest places, and your light floods them out with your word, your peace and your grace. Amen

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Written by Barbara Bloom

October 14, 2009 at 10:41 AM

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