Thorns among the Barbs

Thoughts on my journey to heaven

Archive for July 2011

waiting and wanting and waiting more

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i just want a job. i want to work. i want to put my skills to the test each day and contribute to society, to a company, to life. but my applications are rejections, my request falls on deaf ears. I even begin to wonder if God is silent in this adventure.

and then i ask what have i done to be in this place. am i unpresentable to society? am i scarred, marred, damaged goods? or am i just too old?

I mustered the courage to call an employment agency yesterday and by the end of the conversation wondered why i was still breathing air. She, the smug guardian of employmennt, harshly judged my every word. Who is she and how did she get to this place of power? Why did i let her go like that?

so the day today has been filed with questions of god, and of myself. Should i loose 30 lbs, pray harder, turn over more stones? Why isnt the art business doing better, and why the hell is everyone so pessimistic? Love those face book posts that say “run, get out – it is a difficult road to travel” well, hells bells, having no income and noone willing to hire you is no better.

so why did i do graduate school? and why is it that when it is my turn in life i get shit on, and turned to the curb? And you can read all the self help things you want – 100 top things you should do, 10 things you should never do, how to get the job every time, how to sabotage yourself…. the chatter grows in intensity – and all i want is a damn job… i want to pay my bills. i want to contribute to society. AND I WANT THAT FOR MY HUSBAND ALSO…

SO I AM GROWING TIRED, WORN DOWN BY THE TEST, YIELDED TO YOU LORD, BUT YOU SEEM SILENT, AND DOORS SLAM SHUT. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME>? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO> I AM AT YOUR MERCY, for i know you control everything, and you are the one who ultimately makes jobs appear, gives us direction and purpose. I want your will. I want the shame of not knowing how we will pay the mortgage to stop. please god, release this worker to a job earning income. release me to glorify you.

Written by Barbara Bloom

July 12, 2011 at 7:08 PM

discouraged but not defeated

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today i awoke after a nap, post night shift. I am realizing more than ever how night shift tares me apart physically and emotionally. I am so very vulnerable when i am sleep deprived. And I am so filled with anxiety and fear. I dont like that. it is not from God

So i woke up today, and began again to make calls and seek employment. On direction from a friend i called an employment agency I had dealt with before… my lovely contact was on vacation and instead of a warm reception and a voice welcoming the business i encountered a harsh and challenging woman on the other end who made me feel like a failure and misfit. How have we evolved in society to the point that when someone comes to you for help they are beaten down further. It took me to a very dark place where i sat wheeping like a baby wondering will i ever find my place in the work force again. Wheeping because i am willing to work, eager to work, need the income, and want to contribute to society. But it is these guardians of employment that remind me I dont want to deal with them. Anger and frustration have given way to helpless prayer for God to rescue me… no – let me correct that – helpless prayer of despiration for direction, wisdom to know how to proceed and the faith to follow the Lord’s direction. Will this ever resolve?

Written by Barbara Bloom

July 11, 2011 at 9:51 PM