Thorns among the Barbs

Thoughts on my journey to heaven

Its the middle of the night and…

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what a metaphor of my emotions and thoughts.. the middle of the night, the time that is the most vulnerable for those who seek sleep but it does not come. It is a quiet time that allows the mind to race, and the subtility of satan to creep into my head, and speak of fear, of anxiety and of the uncertainty of the future.

And here I am with an odd mix of thoughts rolling around in my head… satan speaking into my head, and the sound of a book on tape of elizabeth elliot’s book “no graven image” discussing her missionary journey in equador. How i admire that woman, and the courage to follow the lord in spite of seemingly uncertain times – a husband killed in the field, a young child at her knee, and her willingness to continue to go forth to reach the very people that killed her first husband, Jim Elliott in the jungles of Equador. Her faith in the Lord was a rare, obedient, deep faith. It has always attracted me, but has come with a mixture of wanting what she has and fearing what that might mean.

But why do i fear? Is it this temporal world I fear? No, i think i have learned it is a character flaw in my heart – i am a control freak! I have learned this through the journey of this past year. And I have learned how little i have control of. Truthfully everything is in the hands of the lord to suite his purposes. And quietly the second part of that flaw is my shallowness to trust my creator. It all sounds so easy when you read of a missionary like Elizabeth Elliott – but i know it is not easy… it is impossible.

Under the crucible of joblessness, recent bankrupcy, depleting reserves of money, and mounting bills comingled with large doses of a sense of purposelessness and loss of identity we have both been quite the pair of debby downers. but somehow all of the promises of God are still true and sure. Somehow there really is hope and purpose for us. We are loved. My flesh wants to know “How long, o Lord” – How long will you keep doors shut? What do you ask of us? What do you want from me today? for the resto f my days? Please open the door somewhere so that we can at least pay our bills… electric, gas, water, house payment, gas for the car. and perhaps food!

If you subscribe to the idea that nothing is without purpose as I do, the sound of this book reading to me in the middle of the dark night somehow awakened a hope, a sense of the way god chooses to use his children.

I have thought of this past year as boot camp, of a time of building my faith muscles, of seeking god for my every thing, including an opening to return to functional employment and for that for my hubby.
A family that looses one income is a challenge, but for both of us to loose our jobs, leaving me with only a small part time job was something that gave me anxiety for a long time.

I have used the metaphor of looking at rushing river, and before i knew what happened i was in the river, raging water propelling me down river, and to where i know not. Fight the water? not possible. Avoid the rocks? not always possible. Crash over the falls – inevitable. Survive? – not in my hands.

In my head I hear a multitude of scripture verses, and the chorus written by Owl City’s Adam R Young:

I can finally see
that you are right here beside me
I am not my own
For I have been made new
Please don;t let me go
For I desperately need you.

Ok, this post is all over the board…. but I did sit down to talk about the wrestling match for my thoughts. And I wanted you to know that I believe a part of the refining process involves becoming disciplined to hear only the voice of God…. and to take all other thought to the lord much like an army takes prisoners of war captive to their commander.

So Satan, I want to remind you that I have been bought with the blood of Jesus, and he is my Savior, Redeemer, and my friend. In this season of testing Jesus is my provider, and my sustinence. In the name of Jesus I ask that you leave me alone, and you flee from my family and my house. Thank you Jesus for your sustaining, keeping, protecting grace and mercy. Amen


Written by Barbara Bloom

August 16, 2011 at 4:18 AM

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